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A Cornucopia of Matters...NSFC! (Not safe for CHILDREN!)

I swear. I know I may not be the best at grammar, or English, or writing, or speaking, or anything , really, but I do appreciate the honest attempt to write, speak or ... I don't know, burp the English language. (I'm sure I'd appreciate the honest attempt to write, speak or burp other languages, but I'm not fluent in any other, so alas, I must stick with English. Curse my unilinguity. I made up a word. Unilinguity. Uni-linguity?) The review for Spelling Bee was in the school newspaper this week. It was terrible . To say the least. I think I wrote better pieces of literature when I was in middle school. I mean, if we all thought that the man who writes for the local newspaper, a former sports columnist, was bad, this reviewer just came bounding and leaping ahead of him and took first prize in the Really Crappy Composition Contest . (See what I did with the alliteration there? Clever.) Not only was it a summary of the plot, a really horribly, criminally vomitous summary...
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Elmo

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My cat. My cat Elmo is not a cat. He is a dog. He follows me around the house like a puppy. Sometimes I almost step on him because he follows so close behind me and runs out in front of me. He comes when I call him. He can speak English. I swear. I've had him since 6th grade. One time, he ran away for 3 months because he was an outdoor cat and came and went as he pleased. But one day he just never came back. Until one day we were driving to school in the morning for a talent show practice and I saw him sitting in the grass in someone's yard. So after school we went back to that house (it wasn't far from mine) and found him. The people who lived there (another farm) had been taking care of him and had named him S'mores. Which was odd. Because he doesn't really have any dark brown (chocolate) on him. Just graham cracker and marshmallow. So they gave us a ride back home (we'd biked) and we kept him inside from then on. He was really skinny when we fir...
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Valentine's Day Blog.

In honor of these most beloved Hallmark holiday that celebrates chocolate, cards, and general commercialism, I have decided to wear a few clothing items adorned with hearts. My shirt is pink with a keyboard strewn across the front, with purple and blue hearts in the background. My socks are black with two flamingos nuzzling noses (forming a heart shape), with pink hearts all over. I am wearing my peace and love necklace, along with my flamingo-wearing-a-sunhat necklace. You see, I have no one with whom to celebrate Valentine's Day. So to compensate, I'm pooling together all of the things  that I love and just...wearing them. I guess. I'm lame. I love pink. I love music. I love hippies. I love flamingos. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for - The Flamingo Story. When I was in 1st grade, my sister and I played on my dad's softball team. Our team name and sponsor was the Eagles Nest, which is a restaurant in Green Bay. The league was fun by ...
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