Meh.
I am blogging again.
I usually have all these raw ideas bouncing around in my head that I know I should write down immediately as soon as I think them, because these thoughts are good, they're real, and but perhaps not something I should be revealing to the general public.
I preach that you shouldn't Tweet your problems. (And feel free to replace 'Tweet' with any sort of social networking site out there at the moment.) I don't think it's exactly right, or fair to let people know you're upset or annoyed or irritated with them or something they've done or haven't done through the internet. So I would be a hypocrite if I decided to blog my problems. It's just very hard for me to talk to someone face to face about real issues. I either don't have the guts to bring up the problem and it goes untouched in conversation and then it eats at me forever, or I do bring it up, but my lack of confidence in my use of words overcomes my need to say what I really want to say, and a watered-down version of my speech comes out, and it eats at me forever.
But it's never very effective to tell someone how you feel through text. And I don't just mean a text message. I mean e-mails or blogs or even Facebook messages. I've been hurt beyond compare by Facebook messages before. And e-mails, at a very young age, have broken my heart and sent me to my room in tears. I've written notes that have crushed hopes. Words hurt, if you use them correctly. So why can't I bring myself to use words in the way they were supposed to be used: spoken?
I would like to say in person, that I don't feel like a person anymore. Like I've been placed on this planet only to give, give, give, only to receive at the convenience of others. I'd like to say that I understand that life is difficult and keeps you busy, but no one, and I can't stress this enough, no one is too busy to simply pick up their phone and send a quick message, or to write an e-mail, or to call to say hello in a free window of time. And also, if the reason you aren't responding to someone's message is because you just plain don't want to hang out or talk or what have you, at least have the decency to let them know.
I would like to say that I feel unappreciated. I would like to say that my heart is swollen with love, as much as I know it shouldn't be. And it ruins me. Because of this ... 'inability' to communicate, it results in my feeling nonexistent and almost useless.
I'm not asking for pity, I'm still living my life normally, as normally as I can anyway. There is just always that lingering feeling of longing, wanting, loving...
Perhaps I am asking for attention, but not in any sort of slit-my-wrists-to-make-you-notice-me kind of way. I am asking for attention, just a little bit, every once in a while or more often.
I feel silly for addressing this here, but, it is what it is. I'm sorry to you if you feel singled out and upset.
But one of the things I hate most in this world right now is the feeling of putting myself out there, vulnerable and innocent, and not getting any sort of recognition. If I reach out and don't get anything back, I feel like an absolute fool. And that makes me a sad panda.
I long for the day when I can write a truly happy blog again. Until then, my apologies.
For now.
Peace and unrequited love.
Molly
I usually have all these raw ideas bouncing around in my head that I know I should write down immediately as soon as I think them, because these thoughts are good, they're real, and but perhaps not something I should be revealing to the general public.
I preach that you shouldn't Tweet your problems. (And feel free to replace 'Tweet' with any sort of social networking site out there at the moment.) I don't think it's exactly right, or fair to let people know you're upset or annoyed or irritated with them or something they've done or haven't done through the internet. So I would be a hypocrite if I decided to blog my problems. It's just very hard for me to talk to someone face to face about real issues. I either don't have the guts to bring up the problem and it goes untouched in conversation and then it eats at me forever, or I do bring it up, but my lack of confidence in my use of words overcomes my need to say what I really want to say, and a watered-down version of my speech comes out, and it eats at me forever.
But it's never very effective to tell someone how you feel through text. And I don't just mean a text message. I mean e-mails or blogs or even Facebook messages. I've been hurt beyond compare by Facebook messages before. And e-mails, at a very young age, have broken my heart and sent me to my room in tears. I've written notes that have crushed hopes. Words hurt, if you use them correctly. So why can't I bring myself to use words in the way they were supposed to be used: spoken?
I would like to say in person, that I don't feel like a person anymore. Like I've been placed on this planet only to give, give, give, only to receive at the convenience of others. I'd like to say that I understand that life is difficult and keeps you busy, but no one, and I can't stress this enough, no one is too busy to simply pick up their phone and send a quick message, or to write an e-mail, or to call to say hello in a free window of time. And also, if the reason you aren't responding to someone's message is because you just plain don't want to hang out or talk or what have you, at least have the decency to let them know.
I would like to say that I feel unappreciated. I would like to say that my heart is swollen with love, as much as I know it shouldn't be. And it ruins me. Because of this ... 'inability' to communicate, it results in my feeling nonexistent and almost useless.
I'm not asking for pity, I'm still living my life normally, as normally as I can anyway. There is just always that lingering feeling of longing, wanting, loving...
Perhaps I am asking for attention, but not in any sort of slit-my-wrists-to-make-you-notice-me kind of way. I am asking for attention, just a little bit, every once in a while or more often.
I feel silly for addressing this here, but, it is what it is. I'm sorry to you if you feel singled out and upset.
But one of the things I hate most in this world right now is the feeling of putting myself out there, vulnerable and innocent, and not getting any sort of recognition. If I reach out and don't get anything back, I feel like an absolute fool. And that makes me a sad panda.
I long for the day when I can write a truly happy blog again. Until then, my apologies.
For now.
Peace and unrequited love.
Molly
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