Uncensored, uninhibited word vomit.

Prepare yourselves for uncensored, uninhibited word vomit.

I feel like an idiot.

I feel second best, most of the time.

I don't think I can handle being turned down, or passed up, or what have you, one more time.

There is always someone better than me.

I've been doing pretty well up until right now, and for some reason, this feeling of dread and sadness just poured down over me and I can't keep my head above water.

I'm sure this feeling will pass in the morning.

But when it hits, it hits. And it stings. It's not a fun feeling.

I feel like I've been putting it off, keeping it under control, putting it on the back burner. But it's still there. And when I feel like I might be free of it, something else happens that pushes me back under.

Some of you know what I'm referring to, most of you don't. And it's better that way. I don't need to explain myself. I don't want to give someone the ego boost of knowing that they had an impact on me.

I don't want to be this object that people think they can use and then throw out with the trash.

I am more than a body; I am a mind, a voice, and a heart. I can use each of them, all of them, or any combination of the three to crush you, or compel you. But most would never know that, because all they see is the body. It looks pretty from the outside, and slowly, yes, it is shrinking and becoming slimmer, but the inside of it has always been beautiful; that has never changed, and never will.

I am who I am, and I fear that will never be good enough for anyone. It seems there is always someone just a little better than I am.

I am trying to be strong and rise above (please forgive all the water references), but sometimes you just need to be down, and feel bad for yourself. I'm not depressed, I don't feel this way all the time. In fact, as I mentioned, I haven't really felt sad for a very long time, perhaps even all summer. But when certain events, tied in with other dreary thoughts (and dreary weather), occur all at once, like a tidal wave, it becomes extremely difficult to swim.

Things to look forward to:

• "Angels in America"!
• Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part 2 midnight showing!
• [title of show]!!!!!
• Daddy D's Broadway Break A Leg show!
• More time out in the sun by the heart shaped pool.
• Meeting more people, branching out, continuing to be a more outgoing and personable...person.
• Jamming with Miss Erin
• Graduation (a long time coming, and a ways off, but still in sight)

Keeping positive while remembering that I am only human, and sadness is normal. 

Good night, blogosphere.