Why Not Zoidberg?

Hi.

So, I just read the blog of a good friend of mine, and it inspired me to write the blog that you are (maybe) going to read. (Thanks, Ashley :)

Since graduating last May, I haven't done much...I worked another summer at the golf course, did a few more Daddy D shows, had surgery to fix another hernia that magically popped up, got another job at the mall after my job at the golf course ended for winter, and watched a whole lot of TV series on NetFlix (including Parks & Recreation, Grey's Anatomy, Breaking Bad, catching up on Glee, and currently Ugly Betty).

My life has hit a plateau. I have an amazing boyfriend with whom I've been for 10 months, and a really beautiful apartment, but I just feel like I haven't made anything of myself since graduating. People always tell me that that's normal, that you don't have to find your place in the world immediately upon graduating, but I just feel like I have literally done nothing but watched all my friends move on to bigger cities and start getting jobs and having lives. All from the comfort of my boyfriend's California King Bed, where I spend most of my time.

I have made a few New Year's resolutions, and some of them aren't so much resolutions as they are requirements to make a change in my life in order to stay above water. So, here goes:

Be Healthy

I know this is everyone's New Year's Resolution, which is why I'm listing it first. First of all, I know I'm not fat. I don't even really think that I'm overweight. But I know that two years ago (when I wrote a majority of the posts for this blog) while I was living with my parents, I gained about 20-25 pounds. Tried as I may have, the weight is still there. But with moving to New York becoming increasingly more real, and seemingly incredibly soon, I've realized now more than ever that I can't be this fluffy when I go out to auditions and try to make my dream of being a performer in New York come true.

"Fluffy" is the word I use to describe the physical state of my body. There's enough fat on my stomach to hold in my hands when I pinch it. That's my marshmallow fluff. Anyway.

I know that losing weight to impress others is superficial and stupid, but in the long run, losing weight to impress casting directors is, in reality, losing weight for myself. So, think what you will, but it's something I have to, and want to do. There are going to be millions of other girls out there, wanting the same thing that I want, just as talented as I am. Unless I'm auditioning for a specifically "fluffy" girl role, I have to start whipping myself into shape to get on that level. I have to at least try.

I've been doing pretty well for the past couple of days. Jade and I got a gym membership last month, just before the New Year's rush, and we've been working out for at least 2 or 3 times a week, if not more. The gym has a cardio movie theater - a small room with about 4 ellipticals, 4 treadmills, 5 bicycles, and a giant projector screen that plays a different movie every day. (On New Year's Day, it was Rent. Jade and I were the only ones in the room so we belted out every song. It was awesome.)

I've also been throwing in Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred and Ripped in 30 into the mix whenever I can't make it to the gym, just feel like staying home, or it's too snowy out (like today). I find that I get disappointed in not seeing immediate results, and that may have deterred me from keeping with it in the past. But I hope that my head is in the right place this time, knowing full well that it takes time to attain weight loss goals, and that the number on the scale doesn't always mean what you think it does.

I've also been eating better. For the last 3 days, without even really realizing it, I haven't had any sweets. Like I said, it wasn't something I was consciously keeping from myself, I just made the goal to eat 3 healthy meals a day, and in between those meals I would snack on fruits like raspberries or pomegranate seeds, and I found myself not even wanting to grab a cookie from the pantry. I also somehow weened myself off soda without the crippling hangover-like side-effects that I've felt in past attempts to kick the addiction.

I never thought that I would say this of myself, but I've been counting calories. I've always hated people who said shit like that, "I count calories." "How many calories does this have?" Ugh. It sounds stupid even seeing it here. But, if that's what brings results, then that's what I have to bring myself to do.

Have more money

Unfortunately, this isn't as easy as it sounds. As I'm sure most of you reading already know. I wish there were a "Get Rich Quick" scheme that I could partake in, or that I were a great chemist like Walter White so I could make the best crystal meth in the midwest, but...that would probably get messy.

Ever since Christmas, my job at the mall has dwindled down to about 2 days a week, if that, so money is a little on the I-don't-have-very-much-at-all side. A few months ago I started paying back my student loans, which doesn't help the matter. Right now, my main source of income is performing with Daddy D. That was the money I was hoping to be able to save and take with me to New York, but it seems as though I'm going to have to dip into it to help pay rent, loans, phone bills, gas, food, ohmygodetc...

I should probably get another job. I'll be around for a few more months, and I don't think I should sit around and wait for my current job to start giving me more hours. I just really hate new jobs...learning the ropes, trying to fit in, fearing you'll fail at everything, blah blah blah...no likey.

I do have a jar of money that I've been adding to every time Jade gives me his rent. Instead of going to the bank to put it in my savings account, where I would be tempted to transfer it to my checking account and spending it, I put it in a big, old cider jug and that's where it stays. I've only dipped into it twice ever, taking out about $40 total when I need immediate cash. There's a lot of money in there.

Here are some of my money saving goals:

• Stop buying products from work...as difficult as that may be. And it IS difficult. Trust me.
• Go grocery shopping instead of eating out. It does add up.
• Don't go out drinking and rack up a huge bar tab. Drink water instead and still have a good time. If you must drink, suggest drinking at home (either yours or theirs) and bring the booze you know you already have in your freezer. You like casual get togethers more than loud bars, anyway.
• Continue putting money into your savings jar. 
• Take as little out of your savings account as you can manage.

I realize I was awkwardly referring to myself as "you". Sorry. 

Write Music

I've always wanted to write music. When I was younger, I would try and try, and actually succeeded once in 8th grade. The lyrics came to me during science class (shows how much I paid attention in my general education courses...) and I wrote them down. Usually when lyrics come to me, there's a melody to go with it. So, I sat down my piano as soon as I got home, and I put the song together. It was super cheesy. It was supposed to be for this musical that I had in my head called "Goodbye June." It had a typical, cliche storyline about a small-town girl who had big-time dreams, wanted to be a singer, all that poop. She gets an opportunity to move to go live her dream in the Big Apple, and she has to choose between her dream and this guy that she meets at some point throughout the show. She picks her dream. The song I wrote was supposed to be the second to last song and be all tear-jerking and heart-string tugging. To be honest, it didn't suck. Only four chords, but really, what song nowadays has any more than four chords? I'm no pianist, so those four chords and any piano playing I did was pretty impressive.

Anyway.

I've tried to write music since, but I don't think I've made it past a page of crappy lyrics since.

Until last week.

Unnecessary new paragraph.

A few days ago, I woke up, was lying in bed, and had this song by Missy Higgins stuck in my head. Inspired by the melody and the chords of the song, I thought of a set of lyrics, and I even thought about what the chords might be. I picked up my phone and opened the "Notes" app, wrote down the first verse of lyrics, and as I went along, they kept coming until I had a whole song. I got out of bed and went to our "music room," grabbed my guitar, and plucked out some chords. Now, I'm no guitar whiz, but I do know how to look at a guitar chords chart and putz with frets and strings until I find the chord that I have in my head. That's what I did, and eventually, I had a whole song. Like it was nothing. 25 years of wanting to do that and it only took me 30 minutes.

It gave me hope that I might be able to actually write music, and even possibly "release" a record. I figure, Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson are both releasing a record in 2013, so why not Zoidberg? I mean Molly?

Move to New York

This is the big one. This is an inevitable change in my life. There's just too few opportunities in Green Bay for me. The thought of moving to and living in New York is fucking terrifying, but I have to do it. It's just a matter of saving up enough money to get by out there while I look for a job to help me pay the rent.

Heeby jeeby.



So, that's it. Maybe someday I can be a real person with a real job and a real life. For now, I guess I have to find another TV series to watch on NetFlix....


Till next time.